Only the best cabbage recipe in the world (or, my anti-salad diatribe)

Yes, everyone should be eating cabbage. No, it doesn’t make you fart. No, it doesn’t smell bad when you cook it. If you think that, the problem is you, your weak-ass cooking techniques, and your lack of Oxford commas.

But first, let me say this: I hate salad. This, sadly and inexplicably, is likely not enough of a reason to make you stop eating salad and obsessing over yet another derivative, unimaginative amalgamation of flaccid, flavorless “spring mesclun mix,” pointlessly sopped in oily, rancid sauces.

What are the reasons for my hate-on for salad? My reasons are nothing if not legion. I can make a case that the store-bought salad you tend to eat is really no more than an expensive way to package water. Don’t believe me? Do a quick stir-fry of lettuce and see what you end up with. Probably about a tablespoon’s worth. I may be exaggerating a little.

I can also make the case that your typical salad is, as I mentioned, flavorless compared to what it could be — notably because of consumer demands for vegetables that are not strong tasting. Surely, you’ve seen the packages of “baby spinach” or “baby arugula.” I’ll bet that most of you have never had a full “adult” leaf of spinach or arugula. The taste is mind-blowing and, if you ever get the chance, life-changing. And yet, I know with almost near certainty that you will never find salad like that available commercially. Maybe in a farmer’s market, but it would really depend on which one.

How do I know this? Well, as many of you know, I used to farm. More importantly, I used to also sell at market. So, yes, I know what seems to appeal to the finicky palette of the public. And what did I learn? Tell the customer that the flavor of whatever unusual vegetable (unusual could mean something like genuinely unusual like a Romanesco cauliflower or, I kid you not, a bunch of chard that, much more frequently than not, people adamantly believe is a type of kale) I’m trying to sell is “mild,” and they’ll lap it up. That, and tell them whatever it is “has a slight nutty flavor,” and they’ll go bonkers. I mean, I get the mild thing since most of the people I was selling to were wealthy white people, but I still have no idea why nutty is such a thing for them too. (An interruption from Jack’s white wife, Julie, to let you know that Jack will be sleeping on the couch tonight…) Oh, and tender. Everything had to be tender because, when it comes to salad, everyone’s a toothless geriatric unable to masticate anything firmer than the fancy smoothie du jours.

Point being is that as a former farmer, I hate salad because it’s a royal pain in the ass to grow and harvest. When I was farming, I had to grow rows and rows of that shit (not just lettuce, but a variety of mustard greens, spinach, arugula, and purslane to make my mix especially unique and desirable. And you know what? My salad mix was awesome.). And I had to because the customers demanded it, and, if you didn’t have a salad option on the table, they wouldn’t even consider stopping by the stall. To be fair, salad is stupid expensive and a good source of income. Those 4$ bags you buy usually work out to something like 12-14$ a pound. Compare that, for just a moment to cabbage, which I sold for 2$/lb and couldn’t even give away.

And I wasn’t the only farmer who hated growing salad. Get behind that jolly, friendly facade, and you’ll find an exhausted, overworked person with major back pains, in no small part due to salad. There is a ton of work that goes into growing the perfect salad mix. It’s a goddamned finicky crop. Too hot and the lettuce bolts. Let it get too big, and it gets bitter. Too wet and lettuce molds. Sow them too close and the slugs and other critters will have a field day and decimate the crop (because it’s so fucking tender). And believe it or not, many farms actually cut each leaf individually. That’s done to keep it from wilting, but despite that, it’s still stupid perishable. One way or another you have to harvest it at least a day in advance, or it’ll wilt and be unsellable. Don’t believe me? Spend three years farming and get back to me.

Here’s a photo of me selling at the Salt Spring market. Am I trying to focus on giving this person the best possible customer experience? Or am I internalizing my intense hate of salad? You decide.

Fuck salad. Fuck you salad-loving assholes wankers idiots clueless fuckers WANKERS? people the norm of bland flavors.

But cabbage?

Cabbage is so easy to grow. Leave it with regular irrigation and you could just forget about it and let it do its thing. The leaves are tough so it’s resilient to critters. It stores well. Months even. It’s filling. It’s dense. It’s chock full of nutrients and fiber that will make you poop like a goddamned superhero or a magical unicorn. It’s cheap. Just one head of cabbage would hold me for a whole week, and I eat A LOT of vegetables.

AND CABBAGE IS DELICIOUS.

…but not if you boil the living jizz out of it. Jesusfuck what is with (let’s be frank here: mostly) white people boiling vegetables? I mean, did you grow up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland? And much worse, the move after boiling the vegetables appears to be to drench them in some kind of inhumane culinary atrocity like cheese wiz. Incredible.

There are so many ways to cook vegetables so they’re tasty just with dash of salt. Stir-frying, for instance, is one technique. Though, admittedly, I have come to realize that such techniques are actually not obvious, nor simple if you haven’t grown up with it (which is my case).

So this is why I’m recording the following recipe, which is simple, accessible, and tasty. It involves only five ingredients:

• One  green cabbage (you can use red, but you would need to let it sit in salt longer; preferably overnight)
• About 2-3 tablespoons of salt (use less at first and then add more if you need more)
• A whole lot of toasted sesame seeds
• A drizzling of olive oil (for those of you unclear on what a “drizzle” means (I’m thinking of you, Alex), it’s definitely not a synonym for a “drenching. It’s maybe about a tablespoon)
• Vinegar (you can use any kind of vinegar, but a flavored vinegar like apple cider, rice wine, or red wine vinegar works best; hard to say how much here. Easily about 1/4 cup, and you’ll find that more is better)

It’s actually great just like this, but if you can liven it up with other things like cilantro (THAT’S RIGHT, YOU CILANTRO-HATING MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU CAN USE CILANTRO, THE BEST FUCKING HERB IN THE FUCKING WORLD!), parsley, hot chilies, grated carrots or beets, or, if you feeling especially daring, shredded leeks.

Ok, here’s the recipe:

1. Chop up the cabbage very finely. The finer it is the better. Salt it liberally, massage it vigorously with your hands, and let sit for at least 30 mins to an hour. The longer the better to allow the cabbage to soften. You’ll can tell if it’s doing the right thing when the cabbage is glistening. Some might even say jizzing with pleasure (you’re still reading, right?). As this is happening, toast your sesame seeds. If you start with raw sesame seeds, you’ll find that the end product will be that much more fragrant. And seriously, the more you add, the better it will taste.

2. After waiting for the cabbage to soften, you’ll find that there will be water at the bottom of the container. You can choose to drain it or leave it. It really makes no difference. You can now add the sesame seeds, the olive oil, and vinegar.

3. Mix everything up! The final product should look like the above. You can eat it now, but it will actually taste better after sitting overnight. Note that with one whole cabbage, you’ll make quite a bit of it. You can actually eat it throughout the whole week, and it’ll just get better.

And that’s it! With this basic recipe, you can POP your cabbage-free cherry and enter the succulent world of CABBAGE! Seriously though, try this recipe and your local farmer’s back will thank you.